


Perpetual

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-24
Updated: 2009-01-24
Packaged: 2017-11-29 10:42:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The perpetual. That which subsists forever through the connection of time - the past, the present, and the future."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perpetual

**Author's Note:**

> Comments: For prompt 0018: Perpetual off prompt_rotation. Due Jan 28.  
> Beta Readers: elyachan, witheringwhite  
> Song[s]: "-mushi- [Live]" by Dir en grey

"Have you ever thought about it?" Die's voice holds a certain amount of undertone to tell me I shouldn't fuck around with this.

"About what?" My own voice, so soft on the air, almost floats amongst our combined cigarette smoke. The feelings between us, almost tangible, lie so close to being grasped. I feel like I could reach out and touch everything that exists, if only I reached out in just the right way.

Die's glass clinks as it hits the table and I hear the rustle of cloth as he shifts. The cherry on his cigarette flares and then falls back to black. He exhales gently and releases a stream of white from his mouth. "Us... the past, the future, and the present."

"You mean when we got together and how things will end up?" But somehow, I already know that's not it. It just feels deeper than that, like he means more with his words. My eyes glimmer in the darkness, only the occasional passing lights from the street flooding our deep black room.

"No... I mean, in a way, yes. But not really." His fingernails drag lightly over the table as he sighs heavily. "How to explain..."

I watch him so closely, my attention never wavering from him in any way. I can sit like this for hours, just watching my lover of the past eleven years as he does nothing but breathe. I've done it before - simply sat and watched.

It's that that is somehow important to me; to know he means that much to me that I need nothing more than his presence to feel secure and loved to the very depths of my heart and the bottom of my soul, a soul I once thought black and a heart I thought damaged beyond repair. But he showed me that I was wrong, all those years ago. He taught me that what I thought was the end was merely the beginning.

Eleven years ago, Dir en grey came to a startling and abrupt end. What had been falling apart at the seams for years finally ripped apart and tore in every imaginable direction. Every bit of myself that I'd plunged into what I'd come to believe was the very purpose of my life shattered right before my eyes... and I was completely helpless to stop it.

I remember so vividly: watching as Shinya turned his back on us and walked out the door, Toshiya shaking his head and following slowly after. The way Kaoru stood there, tears in his eyes, his glasses falling to the floor shortly before he himself did. And Die... shaking and pale, fear in his eyes that I've never seen equaled. It was the end and we all knew it, we could feel it so deep inside. And it felt like our throats had been slit, our hearts ripped out and trodden upon.

I still don't know if it was the shock of the whole thing or the simple fear of never seeing him again that made me do it. But before I knew it, I had Die in my arms and I held him so close to me, fingers running through soft black strands as I whispered the only words of comfort I could find in my mind. 'I love you. I always have and I always will.' The words that changed my life forever as he returned them with a sob that could have broken anyone's heart.

That was the only piece of me I knew I had left and at the time, I had thought it to be the final thing that would break me like I'd never been broken before. But instead, it became the largest piece of how I became whole again. His heart mended mine, his soul fed my own, his words pulled me from the depths of my despair. And over the years, it became the thing that has truly kept me intact.

There are a million different definitions of love - so many of them wrong or twisted. What we have - that which exists between us - is the truest kind. Eleven years... something so much more than the eleven that came before them. I never would have thought something that came after Dir en grey could mean more to me than our band ever did. But I was wrong... and I'm reminded of that each and every day by the man who sits across from me now, asking me this question.

"I guess I mean... just think about it, Kyo. The way we are together, how... right, it all is. No matter what happens, we're by each other's sides and we always will be. It's like it's something more than just love. Almost like... we were meant to be. Destined."

A slight smile curves my lips as I breathe out a soft sound. The glimmer in Die's eyes tells me he understands, knows it means I'm thinking and that whatever I say next will be deeper than he has already managed to go. I inhale from my cigarette, slowly placing it down in the ashtray to snuff it out as I exhale the smoke. "The Perpetual," I say with the slightest inclination of my head.

I only continue when he gives me a questioning look. I watch as he stubs out his cigarette as well and then folds his arms, leaning forward on the table to study me more closely. I lean in as well, my hand sliding out to touch his, fingers playing over his tattoo in the most gentle of manners. "The perpetual. That which subsists forever through the connection of time - the past, the present, and the future." My thumb moves in an easy pattern over the soft skin of that hand. "If one were to take the theory and apply it to something more tangible... such as us, they might say that somehow we - the two of us - are connected through time. If the world exists forever, if reincarnation is taken as truth, then we could say that no matter the time, no matter the us that exists, there is always an us. Our love, all of it... just meant to always be throughout time."

He moves slowly, his hand coming up to cup my cheek, thumb lightly caressing as I lean into the touch. Something close to tears shines in his eyes as he leans in, kissing me so gently. There's nothing but pure love in the action, something I've come to associate with Die over the years... and yet, something I never quite get used to having directed at me. And I'm caught wondering if every instance of me has the same problem, the same misguided conceptions that keep he and I apart at first. And, in a way, I hope they do. It just makes it all that much sweeter in the end.

"I... I hope you're right, love." His voice rings so deep in my ears... and I can't help but simply smile.

"Me too."

**The End**  



End file.
